Armata & Davis, LLC

Your Children and Divorce

One of the most difficult aspects of divorce is its impact upon your children. None of us wants our children to go through the loss, pain and sorrow that we associate with the break-up and transitioning of a family. And yet, divorce is a reality for many, many children in our society. Because so much of our focus is upon children and their well-being, we at Armata & Davis are keenly sensitive to the needs of our clients' children. We focus upon educating our clients so that they can shepherd their children successfully through the changes that divorce will bring into their lives. It is our goal that throughout the divorce process and beyond, our clients never lose sight of themselves as active, involved, loving parents. We are here to answer your questions and guide you through this process, to promote a separation that allows for positive parenting.

The following are questions that we are frequently asked:

"What is the best age for my children to go through a divorce?"

There is no age where we can say definitively, your child will be most successful if you divorce at this age. But that doesn't mean there is a bad age, either. Children are unique, constantly evolving people and we recognize that they have different needs at different ages and developmental stages. They are not little adults, even if they sound like they are! Each age bracket, set out below, presents its own set of parenting challenges.

Infants and Toddlers: Infants are intensely aware of their surroundings and caregivers. They communicate with us freely and immediately. They cry to elicit a response from their caregiver, be it food, warmth, comfort or companionship. They smile and maintain powerful eye contact to keep us close. It stands to reason, then, that an infant is very sensitive to her caregiver's moods and emotions. An upset parent can be frightening to an infant because that emotionality interferes with her caregiver's ability to respond to her cues promptly. If a parent remains emotional over extended time, the infant may begin to experience a loss of trust and attachment to her caregiver, which creates uncertainty in her little world. If your divorce or separation creates uncertainty and upset in your infant's schedule, you will start to notice an increase in her crying and irritability. It is important to maintain a soothing, comforting exterior to her and to remain responsive to her needs, which allows her to continue to develop trust in her world.

Like infants, toddlers are more aware of their world than we often give them credit for. They are aware of changes like one parent no longer living in the home. Also like infants, they respond to this increased uncertainty by becoming noticeably more irritable and clingy. At this time in his life, a toddler is just beginning to explore independence and a sense of his own separateness in the world. If his world becomes uncertain and he experiences loss of familiar settings or people in his life, you may find your toddler regressing to "baby" behaviors like thumb-sucking or loss of toilet training. Your toddler may also experience increased difficulty in separating from you, even if he is going into the care of their other parent. Toddlers are comforted by familiarity, so make sure that his schedule of contact with both parents is regular and constant and that he is free to bring his special belongings and "lovies" back and forth with him from each home. Pictures of loved ones - parents, pets, extended family - are especially important in both homes to create a sense of continuity and connectedness to familiar places and people for the toddler.

Pre-school/Early Elementary Age: Very young school children are continuing to separate themselves from their parents and they are developing language skills that express their feelings. Children of this age can easily recognize that their lives are changing dramatically when one parent leaves. However, this is also the age where children may begin to blame themselves for the separation of their parents ("Mommy was mad at me for spilling my juice and now Daddy's gone away") or they may begin to blame one of their parents for the division. Children of this age also fantasize about becoming superheroes and bringing their family "back together" again, and they may often deny the fact that there is a divorce. They may refuse to go to one house or the other, so that they can continue to pretend that the divorce isn't happening. It's important to talk with your child, making sure as often as she needs to hear it, that this is between Mommy and Daddy, and that both of you love her very, very much. We as parents need to understand that this is a process for our children and they need to hear this over and over from their parents. At this point in a child's life, a divorce or separation seems to go on "forever" and so we need to be aware of how time feels to our children. Parents need to make sure that children spend time with the other parent, even in light of a refusal, so that she becomes comfortable moving between you.

Ages Six through Twelve: Children in this age bracket are developing a sense of themselves in the community. They begin to take pride in their accomplishments at school and in their extra-curricular endeavors and they move further away from their parents toward increased periods of independence. They begin to become young people in their own right, with their own gifts and accomplishments. It is at this age that children become fearful of the impact of adult issues: Will we have enough money? Where are we going to live? Where will I sleep? Why don't any of my friends have divorced parents? It is here that we see more profound sadness in children, as they begin to understand and have more awareness of the loss of the marital relationship. These children are also capable of directing intense blame toward one parent, which can result in a further loss of that parent's influence upon the child. Children at this age need clear guidance from their parents and they need a strong framework of expectations - Mom and Dad still expect you to do your homework and your chores, in both homes. At this age, children can be intensely comforting to one parent or the other and the temptation can be strong for a parent to rely too much on the emotional support of their child. Don't do it. Parents need to focus on supporting their children and when parents need emotional support - and we all do from time to time - they need to find appropriate forms of support, from other adults in their lives.

Ages Thirteen through Eighteen: The teen years are tumultuous at best for most families. During this period of their lives, children continue to strive toward independence from their parents while at the same time they are mourning the loss of the comfort and dependency that their young childhood represented. A divorce at this time is problematic for a teenager because she does not have an intact family from which to separate, so she may find more dramatic behaviors to assert her independence. Her family becomes an embarrassment to her and she will place her peer relationships over and above her family relationships, which creates difficulties over visitation with her parents. Again, parents often expect adult understanding and rationalization from their teens, and a separating parent needs to be sensitive to and aware of the scared child just below the surface of the bellowing, angry teenager.

The Adult Child: While the adult child is not part of a custodial arrangement, the reality in many of today's families is that adult children remain aware of and active in their core families. Sometimes they remain close because of younger siblings or because of geography, and truthfully, many adult children just can't let go when their parents are struggling. While it is gratifying to have the support and love of these young people, the parents need to remain encouraging of their child's independence. This is the time they should be creating their futures, not helping you repair your present.

"So how do I protect my children from the negative effects of divorce?"

Regular contact with both parents is necessary for all children who are experiencing divorce or separation of parents. Depending upon the age of the child, we might recommend daily visits, daily phone calls, webcam contact, transitional pictures or recordings of a parent's voice reading a bedtime story. We assist our clients in staying in touch with their children's schools, churches, activities and peer relationships. We will guide you through the process of telling your children about the upcoming divorce in an age-appropriate way, and we will provide you with resources that can help you with those discussions. We will help educate you to distinguish what is "normal" behavior for your child's age group and what might indicate more problematic behavior. Most importantly, we will work with you to develop conflict resolution techniques so that you can maintain an appropriate level of communication with your spouse both during and after the divorce, so that your child will always have the two of you working together to make important decisions for him. Our goal at Armata & Davis is to insure that no child loses a parent during the divorce process.

"What can I do right now?"

You are a parent, and you will continue to parent your children. Armata & Davis has come up with a ten-point list for parenting during separation. This list, although geared to divorcing and separating parents, is still a common-sense approach to parenting through any difficult time.

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